love.

i really that i felt love for this last ex. now i find myself 3.5 weeks out of the relationship and completely void of all love for her, not even wanting her to be a friend. so bizarre.
i think, actually i know that i never really got over nyc and that was over a year ago...when my heart aches, it aches for her. when i dream at night, i dream of her. she was so kind and giving...she saw inside of me like no one ever has and it scared the crap out me so i pushed and pushed and pushed until she was gone.
this last break-up happening so close to surgery was a sign...a sign that the concept of me never really worked for her and i knew it. it's so interesting to talk to friends, my therapist, my doctor about it now...they all see what i knew inside..that she was never the one. i felt self worth in the things i did for her...all along i should have been doing it for myself.
i mistook physical chemistry for love. i feel sad about that. like i had been so jaded by my nyc break-up that i was reaching for anything that felt like a connection. in reflecting i realized we had nothing in common, i didn't really like who she was as a person and how she made me feel. she took some of the most painful parts of my life and manipulated them to make me feel bad about not spoiling her...who does that? who makes their bf feel bad about asking her to be present at his birthday? i'm so angry that i put so much energy into a selfish void.
during surgery recovery tens of people came through my house with so much love and support...people that i have spent minimal energy on even...from this break-up i have learned that i have amazing friends who i love madly. it is only now that i realize how much unconditional love nyc gave me...she expected nothing in return. THAT is what i deserve from a partner...the same sort of energy and love that my friends give me.
i'm worth that and never again will i fall into an illusion of love.