love.

i really that i felt love for this last ex. now i find myself 3.5 weeks out of the relationship and completely void of all love for her, not even wanting her to be a friend. so bizarre.
i think, actually i know that i never really got over nyc and that was over a year ago...when my heart aches, it aches for her. when i dream at night, i dream of her. she was so kind and giving...she saw inside of me like no one ever has and it scared the crap out me so i pushed and pushed and pushed until she was gone.
this last break-up happening so close to surgery was a sign...a sign that the concept of me never really worked for her and i knew it. it's so interesting to talk to friends, my therapist, my doctor about it now...they all see what i knew inside..that she was never the one. i felt self worth in the things i did for her...all along i should have been doing it for myself.
i mistook physical chemistry for love. i feel sad about that. like i had been so jaded by my nyc break-up that i was reaching for anything that felt like a connection. in reflecting i realized we had nothing in common, i didn't really like who she was as a person and how she made me feel. she took some of the most painful parts of my life and manipulated them to make me feel bad about not spoiling her...who does that? who makes their bf feel bad about asking her to be present at his birthday? i'm so angry that i put so much energy into a selfish void.
during surgery recovery tens of people came through my house with so much love and support...people that i have spent minimal energy on even...from this break-up i have learned that i have amazing friends who i love madly. it is only now that i realize how much unconditional love nyc gave me...she expected nothing in return. THAT is what i deserve from a partner...the same sort of energy and love that my friends give me.
i'm worth that and never again will i fall into an illusion of love.

18 days post op.

holy crap surgery has been rough and amazing.

the whole first week of recovery was such a blur...i just know i was surronded by so many amazing people and so much incredible energy. i wasn't left alone for a moment over that first week and a half. the rotation of friend, phone calls, gifts, cards and amazing vegan food showed me the level of unconditional love that the universe has given me. it couldn't have come at a better time.

having a break-up at such an odd time was difficult but the support i felt made up for everything. the potential for conflict arising during my time of recovery was too great and while it hurts inside i have finally resolved that it is for the best. while i hope for a level of friendship reconciliation at some point, i'm not holding my breath. i am friends with so many of my rad exes, i guess that just isn't the route some people take. i have to respect that. i know that i did my share of crappy stuff in the course of this most recent relationship and i will accept responsibility for that. my friends will kick my ass if i go back again so i'm trying to be strong and focus on my healing. it's amazing how many exes came out of the woodwork to support me during recovery. i guess that is something to consider in this very painful lesson from the universe.

i am very ancy to get back to yoga and the gym but i'm not going to push it for a few weeks. the pain that i have no is almost worst then it was post-op because i am on much more low key pain meds. driving is really difficult. today is actually the first day since surgery that i have stayed at work all day but my boss has been amazing.

i keep expecting to wake up and feel 100% again but then i am reminded, by people like my dad who know better, that i just had major surgery and full recovery is going to take months. i guess i was so excited about the actual event, i didn't think too much about the time i find myself in now. i have had to resolve to sit still and ask for help. i've gotton better at sitting still but the asking for help part has never been easy for me. luckily i think my friends know this and are way faster to volunteer than i am to try and let my toughness down long enough to ask for help.

the journey is just taking a new step now...i feel more doors opening and happier every moment. the pain will subside but the commitment i have re-made to myself is only in it's infancy and i am beyond stoked to contine forward.

113 days on t. 18 days post op. walking towards content.