conversational freeballing

ah myspace. those blog archives contains hours of my life devoted to letting out what was in my brain. to processing, musing, healing, venting, recovering. it's all there. i see now that i need to continue to do that but in a different forum, here i guess is as good as any. my voice needs a new home.

so here it is.

i've spent the last several months moving into a new identity. feeling safe there. comfortable there. i think i've always known who i am and been keenly and tragically aware that i would always be a shifting force. passive followed by agressive. happy followed by sad. a girl who now wanders into his boihood and i feel like i'm home. oddly since i have found my home. found my space. i feel a persistant need to leave it. to wander the hot and dirty south. the misty air or the northwest. even the gritty streets of this city that i call mine. i want to wander. explore it all, take it in and allow the world to take me in while i walk through it with this new acknowledgement of self.

and i want to explore people.

take people in. understand or attempt to understand how all of our experinces are constantly coming together to create this reality of madness. maybe because it makes me feel comfort even though people aren't always comforting. knowing we are all on some crazy path that happens to cross with the paths of others daily. there is comfort in that. and i don't always need to feel comfortable. uncomfort. wiggling through that. working out the kinks and the miscommunication. the process. the process like exploring is what i enjoy more than the end result of getting there.

i have noticed recently as i feel settled in to this new job and a new home and i am finally in a place that i am aware that i am no longer a student that my brain is constantly in motion and sometimes that scares me and i wish i could turn it off. that's why i like to be underwater so much, why sometimes i lust for the act of sex and not the person to share it with because in those moments my brain stops and i live to truley experince the present tense. that's a difficult thing for me to articulate even to an annyonomus blogging world but it's one of the most raw honests things that i can say and i feel the need to expose something like that in this first post. to own it.

this brain is why i am good at what i do. i can roll through legal arguments be they on paper or in a court room and i can somehow make all these racing thoughts come out in some sort of logical cohesive format. i love what i do so there is part of this dichotomus kid that is grateful for a brain on overdrive.

and then there's the part that wishes, really wishes that i just didn't give a fuck. but that's sort of out of context for this and perhaps a subject for a later post.

i want to exist in the moment more. another reason why i have recently taken more to exploring people. in conversation...in that flow of words i find emmense pleasure in just existing in space with someone else. exchanging words and ideas. i have recently discovered that in some cases i feed on that. i want to absorb. perhaps it is okay that i have recently intensely desired what i see as the chaos of absorbtion.

but enter another dichotomy here...i love calm and i think i have it in the exterior form most of the time. i know i present myself as calm and mellow but then i meet people who i can see have just as much going on in their heads as i do and i let the chaos of my brain roll out front and center without even thinking about it, it's like the little boi runs into the ocean because he is so excited and when he gets in and feels the sheer wonder of the waves at his ankles he realizes he is still wearing his shoes and while he loves the feeling he casts a sheepish look over his shoulder at the onlookers that just saw him run in.

when i feel stimulated i let myself and my inner chaos run out of me without any regard for a filter and i think i am grateful for that. i think that it is a piece of childlike wonder and excitment that i want to hold on to. but i don't want to question it anymore the way i have been. it's that child in me butting heads with the adult in me who wants to tell it to chill out. but i go back and forth on whether i want to. whether i should. it seems dishonest to filter thorugh things when, in a specific moment, i find them pouring out of me. it seems like that is part of the experince that i have been craving. that i have gratefully found myself in several times recently.

when i share those moments. i am grateful for people that let it just flow out. let their brains pour out of their mouths. there's a human connection there. a sense that while i'm walking this path in my own mind and body i...even if just for a moment merge in time with someone else and our brains flow with words back and forth in a rythm that can be spastic or slow but that is true. gritty and dirty and raw and true.

i think that is why i am so intensely bonded with my law school friends. most of us that were drawn into our circle that remains insanely tight have minds that seem to move like mine. constantly thinking, seeking, exploring the possibilites, questioning the outcomes. that's why we continue to have long debates via email or over beers. we need that, need each other to make ourselves understand that we are not alone in this never ending madness of an ever churning mind.

i think in those experinces, with people whose minds are just as full of thoughts both interrelated and completely random, i able to be more true, more real and honest than at other points in life. i suppose other in this context is relaitve but it is the only way to describe it. i feel instantly connected when i flow with people like that. like two long tunnels of thoughts connect and we walk through them together, in the present, in the moment...thoughts and ideas and chaos flying.

and then here in as this brain churns through these words i see the answer and as i type this i am somewhat amazed that it came through this rambling. i crave those moments of freeballing conversation because in those moments i exist perfectly balanced in the two parts of me...i am both in the moment experincing the present tense and breathing it in while i am stimulating and allowing the stream of thoughts that is perpetually running through my head to be okay.

i am honestly shocked that i just came to that conclusion but it makes sense and in the madness that is these moments of clarity are rare...for this boi anyway, they are rare and when they come i tend to cloud them up with overthinking the conclusion i just made.

i would like to hold this piece of clarity in a box in my pocket to keep it safe. i think i need to remember this moment in those angsty moments of self doubt when i feel like i am putting to much of myself out there, when i look back at my actions and realize just how vulnerable i make myself sometimes. vulnerable is raw and it means i have a core and something to let people into. i need to own that one too.

so i am taking my moment of clarity and putting it in my pocket to remember for the next time i question that boi bolting into the ocean stil wearing his chucks. perhaps i will tie the box with a shoe string to remember.

i find that fitting because in reality...this boi would perfer not to wear shoes at all.